How to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language
How often do you share what we are missing or not getting from your partner?
Often subtle side comments about the things that make someone unhappy are made. Such as “geez I wish I could sit on the couch for hours” or “you know I’ve been home all day with the kids.” Just to hear the rebuttal of “Ive been working all day.” Both parties are sharing how they are hitting burn out and needing help from each other. However instead of saying that, we often run to criticism and name calling. Why is that? Often because we do not know how to communicate in our partner’s language. How do we pour from an empty cup? How do we communicate our feelings and how do we need to feel loved?
There are five different love languages that can help you understand how you feel love and care about.
The 5 love languages:
Acts of Service
Acts of service this is when our partner can do something of service that makes us feel seen or heard for an example coming home and helping with the laundry, taking the trash out, grabbing the kids and saying, “I got this Honey go grab a shower or read your book see you around dinner time.”
Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation this love language I like to see as feeding the ego in an effective way. An example could look like acknowledging how hard your spouse is working “Thank you for working so hard for our family we are so lucky to have you.” It could also look like giving compliments “I appreciate you for all that you do, you are so great.”
Quality Time
Quality time this love language looks at the time spent together and not on our phones. I know that it is quite easy to get distracted on our phones nowadays, however time with our partners allows for reconnecting (which we will talk about in later blogs). This can look like watching a show together after the kids go to bed, going on dates, going for drives where you can ask questions about each other’s lives.
Physical Touch
Physical touch this love language is not just about being intimate. This is about what comes before that. Hug each other for at least 60 seconds and kiss each other for 7 seconds (another thing we will go into later). Holding hands, being a little more flirtatious with each other, sitting next to each other, having your hand on your spouse while you’re driving.
Gifts
Gifts now hear me out this is not going out and buying expensive gifts this is more of I thought of you while I was here. This can look like coming home with gummy bears because you know your spouse loves them and you thought of them while you had to get gas on the way home, coming home with flowers, writing special notes in their lunch for them to find.
Love languages are different for everyone. It’s important for you to know what yours is and your spouses, so you can show each other love and fill each other’s cups when you notice that they are running on empty. Marriage takes work, however when the work is put in, amazing results are to follow. I challenge all who are reading this blog to look up the 5 love languages quiz and share the link with your spouse and take it then share the results with one another.
About the Author:
Leilani Mitchell, LMFT
Leilani Mitchell, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling. Leilani’s areas of specialty include anxiety, relationship issues, couples therapy, parenting, trauma, depression, and CBT.
