The truth is that it is difficult to find ways to improve our communication in a relationship when you’re not sure what communication is, why it’s important, or even how to create healthier forms of communication in our relationships. “Communication” is defined by the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary as the “process of exchanging information between more than one person.” Communication is a process of sharing ideas, thoughts, dreams, desired changes, the way we feel, and the needs we have from others that are involved in our life.

How much of Communication is actually words?

According to Albert Mehrabian, a well-known psychologist, communication is only 7% words and 93% not words. This 93% is not a number that comes out of nowhere, instead Albert Mehrabian, established the 7-38-55 rule. This rule created by Albert Mehrabian and published by the University of Texas is that communication is 7% words; 55% nonverbal; 38% vocal. This rule of 7-38-55 is one that proves time-and-time again that a person’s attitude is conveyed more with our tone must match our words otherwise we are bound to have a snafu with those who know us best. Thus, one way of increasing our relationships is to have our words match our body language. This may be difficult for many of us; I know it can be for me at times too.

How do I make sure my verbals match my non-verbals?

Researcher and psychologist, Jeff Thompson, reminds us of the theory of the three c’s. The three c’s include: (1) clusters, (2) congruence, and (3) context. So ask yourself these questions: (1) am I presenting my feelings in a way the other person is understanding it; (2) am I speaking in a concise manner; (3) am I avoiding unnecessary details, (4) am i maintaining a consistent tone and message, (5) do I know what I’m doing, (6) do I have a history with the person I am talking to, (7) what does this person mean to me, and (8) do I respect the person I’m talking to and am I showing that I respect/don’t respect them through the way I’m talking to them?

Having Mindfulness in the Communication we have with those we Love

Being mindful is a definite key structure to the way we respond to others because this is the only way we can be present with ourselves and our partner while we communicate. Certain things such as: active listening, full-focus, empathy, understanding, choosing our words wisely, being aware of our emotions, being aware of our triggers, and thoughtfully responding are all key components to us being mindful in our lines of communication.

How to have Effective Communication in my Relationship

Effective communication with our partners is necessary, crucial, and vital for the relationship’s success. So, how do we become more mindful in our communication with our partner?

Get off the Phone!
By putting away the things that provide distractions to us, such as our phone, the TV, our laptop, or anything else, we allow ourselves to provide the attention our partner is often craving
Use “I” statements.
Talk about YOUrself. Share what YOU think. Share how YOU feel. By expressing your opinion, your feelings,and your thoughts, you are able to not force your client into the blame-game thus the conversation often feels more productive. This is because you are able to say how you feel, ask for what you need and give the reasons for the change all before your partner is forced to feel defensive.
Use Non-Verbal Cues to Your Advantage.
Just like Albert Mehrabian points out, non-verbal communication makes up roughly 90% of our communication. Thus why not use this to your advantage? Retired FBI agent “Joe Navarro” solved a murder mystery that had been a cold file for decades just by paying attention to those he was interrogating and their body language. Thus, your body language serves a powerful purpose that lends towards our communication.
Have you ever had someone want to give all of their attention to you? How did it feel? I’m sure it felt amazing. They put away their phone; they made perfect eye contact; they smiled; they touched your arm; everything was perfect. Well, these are all different non-verbal cues that we can use to show our partner that we are interested in what they are saying.
Avoid Negative Language.
Don’t use sarcasm, insults, mean-words, or be too defensive. It is you and your partner against the problem. It is not you against your partner or your partner against you. And, hey, if you say something mean in the heat of the moment, you cannot always change it. The negative language has already been said. We should all be looking for ways to show empathy and support in our communication. Remember that if you feel like you are at the point of being hurtful, you are ready for a break. You may not always agree but showing respect to our partner fosters a sense of understanding in the relationship.
Don’t Avoid the Difficult Conversations.
Remember that it is not you against your partner but rather you and your partner against the problem that you two are dealing with. By facing tough topics head-on, as a couple, you can prevent issues from festering and creating bigger issues later on. Sure, you may have seen a great tik-tok on how it’s best to leave things alone and move on; however, that issue didn’t change and isn’t going to go away on its own.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the things we do to avoid our anxieties and tough mental processing moments is referred to as “experiential avoidance.” ACT believes that experiential avoidance may be a way of providing immediate relief but does not provide long-term relief. Sure, we may be upset that our husband chose to go fishing for the fifth Sunday in a row, so we choose to not bring it up in an effort of providing ourselves with “experiential avoidance” and not starting an argument with our husband; however, if the problem really isn’t that he’s fishing and something more like you are feeling lonely, then this process of “experiential avoidance” will not work. Instead, bring this issue up right away and explain that it is not the fishing but rather that him going every Sunday is making you feel a certain type of way.
Build Trust and Intimacy.

Trust is an essential building block for a variety of relationships, not just intimate ones. Therefore, we must have it. But how do we grow it? I often tell my clients that consistency breeds trust and trust builds vulnerability. The truth is that everyone wants to find a relationship where they feel loved, honored, like they belong, secure, and safe in. But unless we are able to show empathy for our partner and respect our partner’s boundaries in a consistent way, we are not able to build a deeper sense of trust and intimacy in our relationship.

If you and your partner are doing all of this and communication still feels unhealthy, ask yourself… what do I need? According to John and Julie Gottman, we need to state our needs, be aware of the bids of connection our partner is sending us, and turn towards our partner if we are hoping for healthy communication. Much of our communication and ways to form a healthy relationship dynamic between us and our partner is all about us answering our partner’s bids for connection.

Bids for Connection

Dr. John Gottman reports that a bid is any time our partner is trying to get our attention. It’s like if my partner were to say “How do I look?” and I rush that moment, only muttering “fine” to him. (Sure, I doubt he will ask me that but just stay with me…) Bids come up in our normal way of life. Bids are ways that our partner shows us their desire for connection. Bids can be simple like a rub of the leg while you sit next to your partner on the couch after a long day or they can be more complex like me asking my partner for advice on something important to me. It can even be as “seemingly simple” as the example I gave where my partner asks me how he looks in something.

Still, when I explain John Gottman’s theory of “Turning Toward”, I often offer the example of the first time me and my best friend went to lunch. We were at work and she had invited me to grab a bite of lunch with her. We were sitting at this seafood restaurant where there was seating outside and I told her “I love a good outside eat sesh” and without hesitation she looked at me, extended her hand across the table, and proudly stated that I had pushed her to look for outside dining options we could go to merely by me saying that. We became best friends instantly.

Another example would be if me and someone were sitting in a cafe and that “someone” told me that they had seen a woodpecker. If I didn’t throw my body around, look for that woodpecker, and then spent the next ten minutes sharing what I like about woodpeckers or looking for random facts through google… I would be missing the bid that “someone” sent me.

John Gottman’s List of Bids:

The truth is that there are many reasons why we need to healthily communicate with our partners but even more ways that we can make this communication happen. Instead of saying “it’s not happening”, look for reasons for it to begin this Valentine’s Day. And, if you and your partner need some help finding healthier ways to communicate, please don’t forget that the clinical staff at California Couples Counseling is geared with licensed & Gottman trained couples therapists that are here to help.

Resources:

University of Texas; Permian Basin. (2025.) “Understanding Non-Verbal Communication.” Retrieved on February 5, 2025 at: https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/#:~:text=By%20leaving%20this%20box%20unchecked,Terms%20and%20Conditions%2C%20Privacy%20Policy.&text=We've%20all%20heard%20that,their%20personal%20and%20professional%20lives.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turning-towards-each-other-for-a-thriving-relationship/

https://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/24/books/chapters/0924-1st-peas.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-words/201109/is-nonverbal-communication-numbers-game

Mehrabian, A. (1972). Nonverbal Communication. New Brunswick: Aldine Transaction.