Communication is key; however, knowing how to communicate takes different skills that many of us are not used to. As a therapist, I have told many clients that they need to learn how to communicate effectively. Still, knowing that we need something is much different than knowing the skills that will afford us the opportunity of doing something differently. The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines communication as “the successful sharing and conveying of ideas.” Still, when do we know when something is successful compared to knowing if it is just something that we are doing to pacify our partner.

The simple truth is that effective communication is an essential part of every relationship. This is because good communication is an important part of each and every part of our relationships. Imagine having an argument with your partner and not communicating after the argument. How would you feel? Would you feel upset and distant or happy and calm following the argument? I guess, for many, it would depend. The truth is that communication often offers us a chance to explain our views, our opinions, and our needs to someone who matters to us. We need to clearly communicate to avoid misunderstandings that can cause us ( and our partner) pain, hurt, anger, resentment, and other possible negative feelings.

We can all stand to learn skills that will help grow the way we communicate with each other; however, remember that open and clear communication is always key. Communication is key to understanding your partner’s needs, emotional connection, building trust, and improved satisfaction within relationships. Here are five ways to communicate more thoughtfully and effectively with your partner:

1. State your needs clearly, honestly, and with respect.

I’m sure we have all been there before; we have to talk about something very important with our partner and don’t really know what to say or how to say it. Maybe we got fired from our job. Possibly we got into a car accident (knock on all the wood around you!). There are many reasons for us to talk with our partner; however, if we go into the conversation knowing what we want to say; are able to be open with our partner; knowing we will need to allow our partner the opportunity and room to process with us or by themselves, we allow our conversations run a smoother course. At times, I have been known to even suggest to my clients that they write down bullet points that they want to address with their partners; however, if you decide to do this, make sure you don’t have more than three bullet-points you want to address in one conversation.

2. Allow time for our partner to process.

It is important for us to frame communication and every aspect of it as a way for us to work with our partner in a collaborative, team effort that highlights our shared goals, emphasizes how we can work together with our partner, and one that leads us to success. However, there will be times where conflict may arise. When this happens because it definitely will, it is important for us to avoid shouting, cursing, and taking our partner’s name out of context. Instead, our partners should be given the opportunity to express their own opinions and share their inner-most feelings surrounding the conversation that has been brought to them. Many times, we don’t expect that our partner will be able to communicate their opinions, views, or expectations clearly; however, the fear we can bring with us can force us to not be ourselves. In those moments, it is our personal responsibility to stay calm, be empathetic, be non-judgmental, and to show an unequivocal regard for our partner. Don’t drag up back-issues, don’t force your partner to immediately be able to share their opinion, and be willing to find a compromise that both you and your partner can agree on. If things seem out of control in the moment, or your partner does not seem able to communicate their thoughts clearly, allow for a time-out on the conversation but remember that when you take a time-out, ask for a length of time you would like your break to be (i.e. 20 minutes) and return at that time or slightly before.

3. Decide on how you want your message to be communicated.

There are many ways for us to communicate with our partners. Did you know that not every conversation needs to be had as a face-to-face interaction? Did you know that because of us an urgency can be placed on how we communicate with our partners, much as what we do with work and our colleagues? From the way I see it, we can communicate in three different ways with our partners. (1) Face-to-Face. From the way I see it, this is the most important and versatile way to have a sensitive conversation with our partners. We can talk in-person, make a FaceTime call, or even schedule a zoom call. (2) Phone Calls. I tell my kids all the time that when they need me to hear their tone, inflection, and the importance of what they are trying to communicate, I need them to call me. My reasoning behind this is because a phone call can be much more personal than text-based communication. (3) Text/Email Communication. These should be used with our partners if this is a non-urgent matter. Texts often fall short and the receiver of the text can often not understand the magnitude of what they’re reading. Sure, this is the primary way for us to communicate these days; however, text messages can fall short.

4. Don’t be afraid to provide solutions.

Provide solutions, not just problems. When addressing issues, it is important that we come with a plan to rectify the issue that we are bringing to our partner’s attention. Make sure that before you jump to the solution, you actively listen to your partners concerns and their advice. Make sure that you use clear communication and try to think of things that you and your partner can both agree to. Working as a team is the best way to find solutions that you are happy with. Remember that it is also important that we work to be affectionate without your result being about sex. So, try to talk through serious things while holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, rubbing your partner’s back, or more. Work to discuss issues in a calm manner while reducing stress that is building up in the moment.

5. Establish regular Check-Ins with our partners.

Relationship check-ins should be structured, planned in-advance, and work to touch on different items that you and your partner have decided on previously. The frequency of check-ins should be individualized and specific to you and your partner. They should begin by being weekly and should not be longer than 20-minutes in length when starting. Don’t overdo it! This should not be a time to hash out issues but rather a time to reaffirm our relationship. So, setting up questions that you and your partner agree on previously can be key. It really can be just as easy as that. Simple question-ideas can include:

What is something you appreciate about your partner?
What is working in the relationship?
What is not working in the relationship?
What is something I’ve realized I needed more of this week?
Is there anything else your partner would like to address?

Effective communication is not as hard as we think in the beginning but it does take practice. By making a clear commitment to communicate with your partner, we find us committing to ourselves, our partner, and our relationship. If you find you and your partner are struggling to communicate recently, the therapists at California Couples Counseling would love to help you build the communication patterns you and your partner desire. Please reach out to California Couples Counseling at (949) 787-1031 today!

Resources:

Becker, Michelle. (February 14, 2023.) “How to Communicate with Love (even when you’re mad). Retrieved at: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_communicate_with_love_even_when_youre_mad

Cherry, Kendra. (December 20, 2023). “Why Communication in Relationships is So Important”. Retrieved at: https://www.verywellmind.com/communication-in-relationships-why-it-matters-and-how-to-improve-5218269
Ohlin, Brigit. (August 25, 2017). “7 Ways to Improve Communication in Relationships.” Retrieve at: https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/