5 Signs You’re Feeling Lonely Within Your Relationship
Have you ever felt lonely even when your partner is right next to you? Often when I meet couples they come in, sit on my couch and sit as far away from each other as possible without making it seem obvious that they are currently not getting along. Oddly enough, this behavior can represent so many different things. When I bring it up to the couple it brings attention to the non-verbal communication that they are sharing with each other, and what it can mean for their relationship and their friendship within that relationship. The reason for this can be a multitude of things that have built up over time. Below are a few reasons you can feel lonely within a relationship.
1. You feel you can’t bring things up without it starting an argument or the other getting defensive.
When we communicate with our partners and something as simple as “I am tired today” turns into “I am tired too I worked all day” and its now a competition as to who is more tired, the need for your partner to demonstrate compassion and understanding has gone out the window. We tend to hold onto this experience and allow it to dictate our day-to-day conversations with our partner actively playing out a conversation in our heads about how to avoid the argument, the disagreement, the tension, the competition.
2. You don’t feel your partner is taking an active interest in you or your interests.
Sharing what happened at work, on the way to school drop off or pick up, during an important meeting, can often be a large event that took place that day. Coming home to share with our partner may be something we have looked forward to all day. When we are met with lack of eye contact, our partner paying attention to something other than us at that moment we can feel shut out, we can feel as though we are not being heard, or that our partner is interested in what we have to say which leads to someone shutting down, feelings of disconnect as well as feelings of being unappreciated.
3. You don’t feel you can count on your partner when you need them the most, so why try to count on them for the small things?
Being able to count on your partner goes hand in hand with the Gottman Sound Relationship House theory. Being able to know you can lean on your partner and not have to feel as if the weight of the world is only on your shoulders allows for the relationship to build trust, connection and a deeper friendship. This can look like one partner having a million things to do before dinner and the other saying “How can I help take some of this off of your plate?”
4. It doesn’t seem your partner cares about meeting your needs, so you don’t share them.
Sharing our needs with your partner can be hard especially if in the past they have not been met. It can be hard to say, “I am not feeling seen or heard from you and I am needing more time together.” This statement can make someone feel vulnerable and if the need is not met can make them feel rejected.
5. You don’t feel desired by your partner.
Feeling wanted and desired by your partner is something that I have seen “die down” within marriages often due to “life” and the craziness of a schedule. However, being wanted by your partner is not always a sexual thing, it’s about connection. Finding the time to spend with your partner to be interested in their world and life outside of their relationship.
About the Author:
Leilani Mitchell, LMFT
Leilani Mitchell, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling. Leilani’s areas of specialty include anxiety, relationship issues, couples therapy, parenting, trauma, depression, and CBT.
