Is Divorce the Best Option? Couples Therapist Evaluates the Science of Marriage and Divorce
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to select a side or argue a case for or against divorce. The intent is simply to inform and aid in life preparation and decision making.
According to a study by the Institute for American Values, Waite et al. (2002) found that a marriage that contained one or more unhappy people and ended in divorce did not necessarily equate that the unhappy person or persons were a lot happier after the divorce.
“Does divorce typically make unhappily married people happier than staying married? No. Does a firm commitment to staying married, even though unhappy, typically condemn adults to lifelong misery? No” (Waite et al., 2002).
So, what is going on that may contribute to the stages of unhappiness?
A possible mental or physical disorder may be contributing to this unhappiness. Expectations placed on a partner that never or rarely get met. Trying hard to change a partner as opposed to focusing on improving one’s self. Looking for external means of happiness instead of creating internal means of happiness. Feeling stuck, frustrated and wanting to give up because one is working harder than their partner is working. One or both partners may be coasting through the marriage as opposed to continually investing in the marriage.
A lack of community support that can include family, friends, counselors, religious leaders and members who are supporting the marriage itself and both partners in it. One or both partners may be simply waiting for the marriage to improve and conform to their expectations but it doesn’t improve. It may be that nothing new is tried or implemented into the marriage. In any case, patience wears thin.
“Both divorce and marriage initiate complex chains of events whose outcomes cannot be predicted with certainty at the outset. Marriages are not happy or unhappy — spouses are. And with the passage of time, the feelings of spouses about their marriages can and do change. The bad marriage and the good marriage are not always fixed opposites, but the same marriage at two different points in time (or in the eyes of two different spouses). Divorce may make an unhappy spouse happier, but there is no guarantee (and much doubt) that it will” (Waite et al., 2002).
Okay, so it’s not about the marriage…
It’s one’s view of how the marriage should look and one’s expectations placed upon it versus and compared to the reality of what the marriage is and how one is relating to it.
The harsh reality is no matter how hard we try, we cannot change other people. A person has to have an inherent need, want, and desire to make changes. A marriage does not simply improve because one person looks at what they want and wills it into being. A person has to work on one’s relationship and one’s self in order for it to be happier and healthier.
How come it won’t be happier if I get a divorce?
Something initially happened that attracted both partners to each other. There was a courtship and dating. There were positive feelings and experiences. There may have even been some negative feelings and experiences mixed in. Marriage happens and creates a commitment between the two people to work together as partners. Sometimes, one or both partners stop contributing to the reltionship in the same way that they did during courtship and dating. Sometimes there are thoughts that one partner can change the other and they begin their work.
Many of the previously stated reasons for being unhappy in the first place may, and most likely will, still exit upon divorce. If mental/physical disorders are present, self-esteem/self-efficacy are low, looking for external means of happiness over internal means are present, then there is a potential for continued unhappiness if these are not being worked on. Additional stressors will be added as well: children’s response to divorce through behavior difficulties, legal responsibilities for divorce and family courts, living/financial responsibilities (housing, utilities, food, clothing, insurance, debt, taxes, etc) that are no longer shared, loneliness/sadness resulting from separation/having to start over, fears of uncertainty/unknown/being alone, feelings of insecurity/instability, among others.
How does one work on their relationship?
By investing in the relationship through working on one’s self and contributing to the relationship or marriage and getting help and support from a professional. Look at the factors that contribute to arguments. Look at the causes of unhappiness. Look at each person’s contributions to the relationship. Look internally on how much of the friction and unhappiness is caused by expectations not being met, impulsive reactions, harshness, defensive walls, contempt, strong negative emotions and thoughts, and the like. Seek help both individually and as a couple through a counselor and religious leader (if applicable) so that support, tools, techniques, and the building of a bridge can be obtained to work toward a happier/healthier marriage/relationship.
“Both people and marriages are likely to be happier in communities with a strong commitment to marital permanence. While some marriages are so destructive that divorce or separation is the best outcome, marriages are more likely to be both happy and stable when marriage is highly valued — a key relation in whose success family, friends, faith communities, counselors, family-law attorneys, and the wider society have an important stake” (Waite et al., 2002).
Within the article it was noted that the couples who stayed together, despite unhappiness, were happier five years later for various reasons. Many of the couples did not seek the help of a professional. There were also couples who were still unhappy after five years for various reasons (Waite et al., 2002). What if all of those unhappy partners took the courage and opportunity to seek professional help? It’s never too late to seek help. There has to be a vested interest in making the marriage/relationship work from both partners.
Even if there is a seed of hope, no matter how small, that seed can still grow into something if given the opportunity to do so.
If divorce is the route being taken…
Then it is both helpful and beneficial for both partners and children to seek professional mental health/relationship counseling. You can work through all of the previously stated difficulties before, during, and after the divorce. Marriage and Family Therapists are trained to help couples and families, individual adults and children through marriage, divorce, and life.
Referenced Article:
Waite, Linda J.; Browning, Don; Doherty, William J.; Gallagher, Maggie; Luo, Ye; Stanley, Scott M. (2002).
Does divorce make people happy? Findings from a study of unhappy marriages.
Institute for American Values.
Full Text Article: http://www.americanvalues.org/html/does_divorce_make_people_happy.html
About the Author:
Christopher Kelm, LMFT
Christopher Kelm, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling, Inc. Chris’ areas of specialty include relationship issues, couples therapy, depression, anxiety, family conflict, and stress management.
