Five Love Languages: Understanding Your Love Language and How to Get the Love You Need From Your Partner
Dr. Gary Chapman poses the idea that there are five basic types of love languages that each person gives and receives. These love languages can be applied to a variety of types of relationships (for example: intimate partner, parent-child, siblings, co-workers, spiritual, etc.), as can be seen in Dr. Chapman’s series of love language books.
These five love languages center around Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Acts of Service. Each person has a level of how much each love language speaks to them. Learning to speak another person’s love language that speaks to them more than any other can enhance the relationship and the value placed within it.
Example:
Anthony receives love the most through words of affirmation, followed by quality time. Anthony gives love easiest through acts of service and gift-giving. Angela receives love the most through physical touch, followed by gift-giving. Angela gives love easiest through acts of service and gift-giving.
Anthony loves to work on Angela’s car and takes a lot of pride in it. He maintains her car to keep it going and make sure that she is safe. When she neglects to put gas in the car or tell him that the oil light went on, Anthony becomes frustrated. Angela doesn’t understand his frustration and his need to work on the car so much. Anthony doesn’t understand why he can bring Angela flowers and it makes her happy but his work to ensure her safety with her car seems to go unappreciated.
After Angela has had a long day at work, Anthony decides to help with some of the chores and give Angela a break because she maintains the house most days after her shifts. She doesn’t acknowledge his help or thank him for it. Anthony becomes frustrated because he doesn’t feel Angela appreciates what he does. Anthony tries complimenting Angela on all her hard work that day and she responds by saying she does what she must do.
The Scoop:
Anthony’s work on the car (act of service) and help with the chores (act of service) are the primary ways Anthony shows his love. When these efforts appear to go unnoticed or as appreciated, he tries to give the love that he needs but is not receiving through words of affirmation. When he gives Angela flowers, he is tapping into a love language that speaks higher to her than others.
Angela’s drive to take care of the chores most days after work comes from her love. She is demonstrating the love language – acts of service. She becomes happy when greeted with flowers because this is a love language that speaks to her more than some others.
Their relationship is still influencing love languages in that Anthony gives love through gift-giving and Angela receives love through gift-giving. Angela also inadvertently speaks to the love language of quality time that Anthony receives through the acts of service that they perform together because doing things for each other through acts of service is driven by their love. Anthony can then receive the love he needs when they do things together.
Sometimes when certain love languages that speak most to a person are not met, a person will speak that love language louder…as seen when Anthony tried to pay Angela a compliment for her hard work, hoping for words of affirmation in return.
The Mirror:
If Anthony were to focus more on physical touch (hand holding, hugging, kissing, cuddling, hand on her shoulder, playing footsies, drawing her close, etc.) and gift giving (flowers and other things that she may like that can range from homemade gifts to mementos from shared experiences to items that are more desired than bought), then Angela would feel the amount of love from Anthony increase.
If Angela were to focus more on words of affirmation (thank you, congrats, I love you, I appreciate you, etc) and quality time (doing things together, going on dates, having shared experiences, etc.), then Anthony would feel the amount of love from Angela increase.
Love Language Insight:
In some instances, people speak louder and give the love languages that they did not receive enough of during childhood. In some instances, people speak louder and give more of those love languages that they believe the other person wants from what they have observed from others over time.
No matter the case, learning about the love languages that speak the highest to each person in each relationship can heighten the sense of love felt within that relationship.
About the Author:
Christopher Kelm, LMFT
Christopher Kelm, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling, Inc. Chris’ areas of specialty include relationship issues, couples therapy, depression, anxiety, family conflict, and stress management.
