Are You Apologizing Correctly? Try These 5 Steps to Repair with Your Partner
Previously we talked about the 5 love languages, but we are going to talk about the 5 apology languages. Often it is hard to apologize. To have to take accountability for what we have done is hard, on top of knowing how our partner likes to be apologized to. Below we will gain an understanding of the 5 different types of apology languages much like the 5 love languages we will look at them with examples and explore how you can connect with your partner through your apology.
Expressing Regret
The first apology language we are going to explore is expressing regret. This is the magical words of simply saying “I’m Sorry.” We have been taught these words from an exceedingly early age. More than once we were told “go say I’m sorry that was not kind.” Through this we learned that when we have done something wrong, we say I’m sorry. A simple I’m sorry can go a long way towards repairing a relationship. For some this is enough, and they can move on.
Accepting Responsibility
The second apology language is accepting responsibility. This looks like someone owning up “I was wrong for saying that” “I was wrong for thinking that (fill in the blank)” This one can be a hard one because often we are reluctant to admitting the wrongdoing because it is linked to our sense of self-worth. It can make us feel less than if we admit we are not “perfect.” However, this may be what your partner needs to hear in order to know that we can recognize that we did wrong by our partner and we see the hurt we cause and we want to ensure that there is no blame game being played.
Restitution
Next, we have making restitution this one falls into the “How can I make this right?” Think about when a young kid says something mean to his mom or dad for an example “you’re the worst mom/dad ever and I wish I had a different mom/dad.” A simple I’m sorry does not always fix it or make the sting go away, but what about when the kid comes back with a hand made picture depicting how great of a parent you are and how sorry they are. Makes you get a little teary eyed and then you love them and forgive them, right? This is because not only did they apologize for the situation but then they tried to make it “more right” by drawing you a picture and showing how great of a parent you are.
Planned Change
Next, we have Planned Change this sounds like “Ill take steps to prevent this from happening again” When we look at when someone is in the relationship is quick to anger, and it leads to name calling, or an explosion of emotions, the I’m sorry, the accepting responsibility, flowers or a picture is not going to cut it this time. The person wants to know this will not happen again. They want genuine plans for this to not happen again. It might sound like “I am going to go to therapy to work on my anger.” “I am going to try and let you know where I am with my anger before coming home.” “I am needing 10 minutes alone to decompress from my very stressful day.”
Requesting Forgiveness
Last, we have requesting forgiveness this sounds like “can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” This one leaves the offending person open to rejection and can be hard to ask for forgiveness however sometimes the offended person wants the opportunity to decide if they can truly forgive this person or make the decision to move on without them. The offended person may need this opportunity to know that it truly is up to them and not the other person.
Apologizing is difficult for some but important to all. I challenge you to look up 5 apology languages and explore which one fits you best and share the results with your spouse. It is important that throughout this journey of couples therapy that communication and understanding take a present place within the marriage in efforts to make true change.
About the Author:
Leilani Mitchell, LMFT
Leilani Mitchell, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling. Leilani’s areas of specialty include anxiety, relationship issues, couples therapy, parenting, trauma, depression, and CBT.
